This year I resolve to be more messy, horrible and painful than ever before.

Weird, right?

I started this morning resolving to eat better, exercise more, blah blah blah. I was going to revisit my exercise goals, and plan new and better habits.

Then I watched this video and read this interview with Brene Brown.

Joy is one of the most difficult emotions to feel. Emotions won’t kill you but not feeling them will. Our fear of emotion can absolutely kill us. Pain won’t kill us but numbing pain kills people every single day. We’re the most obese, in debt, medicated, workaholic, addicted adults in human history. Pain won’t kill you, numbing pain kills people every minute of every day.

Brene Brown via Dumbo Feather

I decided 2015 is going to be different.

This year I want to be in the shittiness of my life and just accept it. During meditation I want to observe my stressed muscles without forcing them to relax. I want to stop judging all the time.

I want this now to be enough.

I want to behave badly and irrationally. I want to be selfish and inconsistent. I want to be unfair and unreasonable.

I have been a superwoman (in public) for too long. I have appeased the bullies and pleased everyone but myself. I have eaten the burnt toast.

I am going to stop aspiring to be a stepford wife and start trying to be me.

Happy New Year.