I like ruminating

It is school holidays here and Facebook is full of overseas holiday images. The envy is killing me. Then I ask myself – why? – and explore the source of my envy.

I’ve made the choice to be here. The envy remains, but is less.

Meditation is teaching me that noticing thoughts and feelings isn’t about stopping them. It isn’t about feeling better. It is about being aware of feelings.

The frontal lobe does kick in and regulate emotions for sure. I do consciously relax tensed muscles and breathe more deeply. But the emotions are still there.

I used to post here lots of fashion stuff and clothes. I was all about looking as good as I could, as young as I could (without being weird). Now? Post cancer? I don’t want to care about my appearance anymore. I do still care, but I know for me this is a path to misery.

Instead I am trying to understand the source of my misery.

The questions I have are – How important is appearance? What do I think dressing up will achieve exactly? Will it really make me happy?

I know if I leave the house looking like a bum, that I generally regret it. It makes me sad and I think people do treat you worse.

I know if I make an effort, I feel better but not happy. It doesn’t make me happy. It is more like armour. I feel “safe”.

I feel angry that appearance matters so much. To me. I want to dress like a bum all the time. But I’m worried that no one will like me, my husband will leave me, I will embarrass my teenage daughter, people in shops will treat me badly – but mostly that I will treat me badly. I will look at my reflection and think mean things about myself.

And that is why fashion matters to me.